If a man wants to understand what women endure when they wear pantyhose, he could try wearing his watch around his waist all day.
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I can store 6000 books on my e-reader but I can’t fit my sleeping bag back into the sack it came in.
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I thought it would be fun. I thought it would be easy. I thought I could get away with it.
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A lot of us work from home these days, so I think it’s about time to discuss why we’re not getting anything done.
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We’re most open to hearing another person’s opinion when it’s exactly like ours.
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If Mother Nature hadn’t intended us to nap, she wouldn’t have made us so sleepy in the afternoon.
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Less than .07 percent of the population were born on leap day which makes them rare and exotic, like white buffalo, blue moons and affordable health insurance.
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Everything in my house is practically new because not long ago everything was old and it all quit working at the same time.
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Socks peek out beneath pant legs like diamond earrings peeking out from under a fancy hairdo.
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Stay cellphone stay!
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Hearing dogs bark “Jingle Bells” is a once-in-a-lifetime experience by which I mean once in a lifetime is enough.
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A lot of people think Christmas letters can be honest—or they can be interesting.
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If it weren’t for the promise of turkey noodle soup, I’d serve prime rib on Thanksgiving.
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Halloween isn’t my favorite holiday, partly because it doesn’t involve a day off.
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I desperately want to pull out my phone and tell my Facebook friends where I am. I’m sure they’d love to know I’m having my teeth cleaned today.
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The average American will spend 153 days of their life searching for misplaced belongings—keys, shoes, cellphone. There are days I can’t find my sofa.
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It takes me a long time to sound witty and spontaneous.
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I’m a good driver. At least I am when I’m awake, which is one of the things you look for in a good driver.
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The only thing worse than a dead computer is the learning curve on a new one.
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I’m careful with words like there/their, to/too/two and bare/bear, because to plus too does not equal for and a bear behind is very different from a bare behind.
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