This is No Time for Inventors to Rest

I have a lot in common with the instrument maker, Johann Christoph Denner. He was born in August of 1655, and I was also born in August, though not in 1655. Denner invented the clarinet, and I played the clarinet. And when I practiced there were people who cursed the days both of us were born. But I don’t want to talk about that now—or ever.

I want to talk about National Inventors Month, which is celebrated every May to acknowledge inventions, inventiveness and inventors like Mr. Denner. Also Clarence Birdseye who in 1930 patented a method for packaging frozen foods, paving the way for TV dinners. And Philo Farnsworth who, also in 1930, patented the television. Before 1930 couch potatoes had to lie in front of their radios all day eating out of tin cans.

And hats off to William Addis of England, who in 1780 made the first toothbrush using cow bones for the handles and bristles from the necks and shoulders of swine for the brush. No more cavities for Mr. Addis but his breath must have smelled like a barnyard.

Zippers were patented in 1893. Prior to that people went around with their jackets open all the time.

The dishwasher was invented in 1850 but it took another hundred years before the technology was efficient enough for the public to notice. By that time the food was really dried on.

Before Quicken, how did we balance our checkbooks? Before cell phones, how did we remind our spouses to pick up milk? Before microwaves, how did we thaw out hamburger in time to make goulash for supper? And how did we heat up the goulash for the next five days?

Inventions like these have made life so much better—though it’s hard to fully appreciate the microwave after five days of goulash.

Modern day inventors deserve to rest and celebrate this month. But come June 1, they need to get back to work. There’s still a lot that needs inventing, and I can’t do it. I’m strictly an idea person.

And here’s one of my better ideas. Someone needs to come up with a sleeping bag stuffer. I can store 6000 books on my e-reader and 20,000 pages on my flash drive but I can’t fit my sleeping bag back into the sack it came in.

I’d like someone to invent hotel doors that close silently instead of with a bang. In the hotels I stay in, it sounds like the guests are mad all the time.

And someone should invent a vending machine with a dollar bill iron attached. I have a recurring nightmare where I’m weak with dehydration clutching a fistful of dollar bills and lying at the foot of a vending machine that won’t accept my money because it’s wrinkled.

And I’ve been dreaming of a gizmo that would allow me to remotely change my cellphone from vibrate mode to volume ten ever since I somehow dropped it in the trashcan.

Better yet, someone should invent a universal locator. I could just type in what I’m looking for and it would tell me where to find it, whether it’s my car keys, my reading glasses or the lid to my food processor.

And how about an undo button, like my computer software has, for every other part of my life. (I wish I hadn’t said that. Undo. I wish I hadn’t done that. Undo.)

I have ice cubes to keep my cold drinks cold. Why can’t I have hot cubes to keep my hot drinks hot?

I have a self-cleaning oven. Why can’t I have a self-cleaning refrigerator, a self-cleaning closet and a self-cleaning toilet? The inventor who comes up with that will make millions. Just remember I thought of it first.

Dorothy Rosby is an author and humor columnist whose work appears regularly in publications in the West and Midwest. You can subscribe to her blog at www.dorothyrosby.com or contact at www.dorothyrosby.com/contact.