I can store 6000 books on my e-reader but I can’t fit my sleeping bag back into the sack it came in.
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Less than .07 percent of the population were born on leap day which makes them rare and exotic, like white buffalo, blue moons and affordable health insurance.
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A lot of people think Christmas letters can be honest—or they can be interesting.
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If it weren’t for the promise of turkey noodle soup, I’d serve prime rib on Thanksgiving.
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Several men wearing matching T-shirts were cramming hot dogs down their gullets like pelicans at a fish hatchery.
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When you spend thirty billion dollars in May you’re bound to be a little short on cash come June.
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If I’m going to go mad in March, and there’s a better than one in 9.2 quintillion chance that I will, I can’t blame basketball.
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You could even wrap your gift in newspaper. But be careful to avoid the obituary page.
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There are a few Christmas songs that make me grateful Christmas comes but once a year.
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The last thing I sewed with an actual sewing machine was my thumb, and that has a way of inspiring you to look for other hobbies.
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I’m about to have a birthday. I won’t say which one but I’ll give you a hint: It’s not my tenth.
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More than seventeen million Americans suffer from friggatriskaidekaphobia though they seldom admit it, mainly because they can’t pronounce it.
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Some studies linking chocolate consumption to good health say all you need to benefit is a square a day. But a square what? A square foot?
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‘Tis the season to run up our credit card bills and give our loved ones a good head start on their next garage sale.
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Thanksgiving is not just about stuffing ourselves. It’s also about getting a day off work. And napping.
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I buy enough Halloween candy that I could give a heaping handful to every trick-or-treater who comes to my door. I don’t, but I could.
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I hope sharing some of the lessons I learned in 2020 will save you from making the same mistakes I made, though I can’t see most people doing that.
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How to gift wrap a million dollar smartphone.
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The best thing I can say about this year is that there was plenty of time to clean all my closets. I didn’t, but I had time to.
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I have to eat every four or five hours if the people I love are going to continue loving me back.
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