Happy Guilt Day

Moms, if you ever feel like using guilt as a parenting tool, I’ve got just the thing. Put your hand to your heart, sniffle a little and say to your child: “A woman named Anna Jarvis was so devoted to her mom that back in 1908 she actually proposed a national holiday for mothers. And you can’t even put your dishes in the dishwasher for me.” Sniff, sniff.

We do have Anna Jarvis to thank for Mother’s Day—well, Anna and the retailers who assumed rightly that there would be a good profit in it. Then in 1914 President Woodrow Wilson approved a resolution making the second Sunday in May a holiday in honor of what he called “that tender, gentle army, the mothers of America.” As a soldier in that tender, gentle army, I am grateful.

Father’s Day was also the brainchild of a daughter, so fathers can use guilt just as effectively. In other words, not very. But it was thanks to Sonora Smart Dodd that Washington State celebrated the nation’s first Father’s Day on June 19, 1910. Unfortunately, Father’s Day was not met with the same enthusiasm that Mother’s Day had received. Apparently one florist even claimed that dads don’t have the same “sentimental appeal” that mothers have. Ouch! But I think that’s just florist-speak for “no one will buy flowers for dads.”

Dads didn’t help their cause either. One historian wrote that many men scoffed at what they saw as an attempt to “domesticate manliness with flowers and gift-giving….” Many also derided Father’s Day as a gimmick to sell gift items men would probably wind up paying for themselves.

It wasn’t until 1972, in the middle of his re-election campaign, that Richard Nixon signed a proclamation making Father’s Day a federal holiday. Maybe he was courting the dad vote.

At any rate, that was fifty-eight years after Mother’s Day became official and it’s been playing catch up ever since. There’s one measurement that shows just how far it has to go: spending on gifts.

By some reports Americans spend ten billion dollars more on Mother’s Day gifts than they do on Father’s Day. Maybe it’s because Mother’s Day comes first. When you spend thirty billion dollars in May you’re bound to be a little short on cash come June.

But after a great deal of research, I’ve decided there’s another reason spending on Father’s Day gifts lags behind Mother’s Day: Father’s Day gifts are…how can I say this diplomatically…too dumb to buy. At least the ones I can afford are. Many of the things my husband wants would require him to cosign a loan and that would take the surprise out of gift giving.

I went to that the great gift guide in the sky, the internet, to research Father’s Day gifts that don’t require taking out a loan. I was worried the whole time that my husband would walk in, see my computer screen and think he was getting a leather beer holster or a toilet bowl mug for his big day. Yup. Those are the kinds of gifts that are out there for dads. And if he wants either of one of those, he’s going to have to buy it himself.

Cuff links are also touted as great gifts for dads. Among many others, you can get cuff links that look like tiny circuit boards, the inside of a clock, Rubik’s Cubes, gear shifters and brass forty-caliber bullet casings. I can’t remember the last time my husband wore a shirt that required cufflinks but if he ever does, I just can’t see him accessorizing with bullet casings.

Grilling equipment is another common dad gift and my husband does enjoy grilling, mainly because it involves fire. But I feel like giving him a grill cleaning brush for Father’s Day is a bit like giving me a broom for Mother’s Day.

You also find plenty of alcohol and alcohol accessories when you go searching for Dad’s Day gifts. There are monogrammed whiskey glasses, beer making kits, cocktail sets for business travel and even Scotch-infused toothpicks, the implication being that we’re all driving dad to drink.

The cliché of a Father’s Day gift is the necktie, and there are many to choose from. I saw a tie that looks like an eyechart, which would be great for a father who’s an optometrist. Another one looked like piano keys, which would be swell for a dad who’s a musician. And I found one covered with lipstick kisses. I have no idea what kind of dad that would be good for.

When my husband was an elementary school principal he had a closet full of goofy ties he wore especially for his students. But I think even he would draw the line at a necktie that looks like a giant strip of raw bacon.

And the bacon theme is big for Father’s Day gift giving and not just for ties. Along with ties, there are bacon-scented candles, soap and even shaving cream all of which you can wrap in bacon-scented wrapping paper. Talk about dads using guilt against their children. “Mom gets flowers, jewelry and gift certificates for massages. I get bacon I can’t even eat.” 

Excerpt from ’Tis the Season to Feel Inadequate; Holidays, Special Occasions and Other Times Our Celebrations Get Out of Hand by Dorothy Rosby.