My Relationship with Facebook is Complicated

Wow! Look at that. An acquaintance just posted a dozen photos of her Caribbean honeymoon on Facebook. Beautiful! Hey wait. She’s on what should be the best vacation of her life with the person she presumably loves more than anyone in the world, and she’s staring at her phone. I have half a mind to comment, “Don’t tell us you love him to the moon and back. Tell him. He’s right there.” I don’t though. He’s probably staring at his phone too. She’d probably have to send him a Facebook message to get his attention.

I don’t mean to criticize. Her pictures are nice, and I do love that people share the details of their lives on Facebook. So I type “awesome photos” and scroll down the page. New car—like. Cute baby—love. Fresh wound—what? Why’d they have to post that? I was snacking! I hate that people share every detail of their lives on Facebook.

Mostly, it’s fun though, seeing all the amazing things people do. Look at them—they’re at a concert. And those people—they’re at the lake. And them—they’re in a hot air balloon. I can’t believe they have cell service. And me? I’m sitting here reading about it all. Not as fun maybe, but I always have service in my house.

I know some amazing people, that’s for sure. That friend just finished a marathon. That one just finished skydiving. That one was named Mother of the Year. I’m impressed…and boring and inadequate. Sigh. Looking at Facebook is like being in cyber middle school.

And speaking of inadequate, I had planned on doing some actual work when I sat down. But Facebook eats time like I eat M&Ms, one post at a time. Then just one more. And one more. I’ve just frittered away an hour oohing and awing over other people’s lives while mine has come to a dead halt in front of my computer.

I’d get back to work, but there’s a clever political post. I check “like.” I love how we can say whatever we think on Facebook. And by “we” I mean the people I agree with. I don’t love how everybody else can. Honestly, sometimes when I scroll down a page of Facebook posts, I feel like great waves of stupid are washing over this country.

Like that post right there, for example. How can a thinking person possibly believe that? Suddenly I’m tempted by the worst Facebook time waster of all: Responding to someone who is misguided, misinformed and as wrong as a tuxedo with tennis shoes.

I’ve been sucked in before. I’ve attempted to make a witty, spontaneous response to someone’s clearly misguided posts. But it takes me a long time to sound witty and spontaneous, so I carefully crafted my comment only to have them comment on my comment, apparently unconvinced. Also apparently faster at sounding witty and spontaneous than me.

Then I commented, they commented and days passed with me looking at my phone every few minutes to comment on their latest comment. It would have taken us both even longer if we checked our facts before we posted. But who has time for that?

Anyway, I’m not up to dealing with ignorance today. Plus there’s a cat video I want to watch.

 Dorothy Rosby is the author of Alexa’s a Spy and Other Things to Be Ticked off About, Humorous Essays on the Hassles of Our Time and other books. Contact her at www.dorothyrosby.com/contact.