Everything in my house is practically new because not long ago everything was old and it all quit working at the same time.
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Socks peek out beneath pant legs like diamond earrings peeking out from under a fancy hairdo.
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Stay cellphone stay!
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Hearing dogs bark “Jingle Bells” is a once-in-a-lifetime experience by which I mean once in a lifetime is enough.
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A lot of people think Christmas letters can be honest—or they can be interesting.
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If it weren’t for the promise of turkey noodle soup, I’d serve prime rib on Thanksgiving.
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Halloween isn’t my favorite holiday, partly because it doesn’t involve a day off.
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I desperately want to pull out my phone and tell my Facebook friends where I am. I’m sure they’d love to know I’m having my teeth cleaned today.
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The average American will spend 153 days of their life searching for misplaced belongings—keys, shoes, cellphone. There are days I can’t find my sofa.
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It takes me a long time to sound witty and spontaneous.
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I’m a good driver. At least I am when I’m awake, which is one of the things you look for in a good driver.
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The only thing worse than a dead computer is the learning curve on a new one.
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I’m careful with words like there/their, to/too/two and bare/bear, because to plus too does not equal for and a bear behind is very different from a bare behind.
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Several men wearing matching T-shirts were cramming hot dogs down their gullets like pelicans at a fish hatchery.
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I still have my watch.. It sits on my wrist like a vestigial organ, though it’s prettier than an appendix.
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Collectors spend their lives gathering items for their estate sale. Disposers spend their lives giving stuff away. Usually they marry each other
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When you spend thirty billion dollars in May you’re bound to be a little short on cash come June.
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I’ve been able to find answers to some of my most pressing questions on the internet, and some of them may even be right.
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We both have veto power in all important decisions in our marriage including where to go to dinner.
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A friend says cheerfully, “What are you doing?” I say, “I have no idea.”
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