The best thing I can say about this year is that there was plenty of time to clean all my closets. I didn’t, but I had time to.
Read More
I have to eat every four or five hours if the people I love are going to continue loving me back.
Read More
People who go through haunted houses without jumping obviously have sluggish reflexes and probably shouldn’t operate motorized vehicles.
Read More
More than 17 million Americans suffer from friggatriskaidekaphobia though they seldom admit it, mainly because they can’t pronounce it.
Here’s a nice way to help your Valentine hear your side of things without having to listen to theirs.
Sometimes I don’t notice a new thing until it’s an old thing. So you should take my list of The Latest but Not Necessarily the Greatest with a grain of salt…or a slice of bacon.
Alcohol allows revelers to forget the worst of the past year and start the new one off just as badly.
I’m inspired on this Valentine’s Day to consider the many ways technology has made romance more efficient, if not more romantic.
Read More
Feeling a little let down after a busy holiday season? Cheer up. You still have Lumpy Rug Day to look forward to.
Read More
Ah, the holiday season; a joyous time for families to come together, create new traditions, and fight about the old ones.
Read More
To My Fashionably Late Love, You look fine. The house looks fine. Now could we GO ALREADY?
Read More
Putting your resolutions on paper will make them seem more doable and make you feel more committed.Also, if you fail, you’ll have your list ready when it comes time to make resolutions next year.
Read More
One thing I’ve learned watching whodunits is that if you hear strange noises in another part of your house, you should never go investigate, especially if you’re home alone, it’s a stormy night, the power is out and there’s scary movie music playing. Actors do that all the time, and it never ends well for them.
Read More
I’m kind of a “that’s close enough,” kind of person, and that doesn’t work if you’re building bridges, doing brain surgeries or rigging parachutes.
Read More
Whose idea was it to dedicate an entire day to practical jokes anyway? There are no other holidays designated specifically for bad behavior—except maybe New Year’s Eve
Read More
A handsome fella leaps off a speeding train onto the back of a galloping horse at the very moment the train explodes. But that’s not the amazing part. He’s got one leg in a cast, he’s carrying the wounded train engineer and he’s being pursued by masked gunmen. That’s not the amazing part either. What’s truly incredible is that he won’t even win an Academy Award for Best Stunt, and not just because I made the whole thing up.
Read More
If you covered a football field with all the guacamole that will be consumed on Super Bowl Sunday, it would be an impressive 11.8 feet deep. I don’t know why you would do that though; it would spoil the game and, more importantly, the guacamole.
Read More
I made at least one person mad in 2016. There might be more, but one was mad enough to say so.
Read More
This late in the gift giving game,you choose what? A gift that will give your loved one a head start on their next garage sale. A gift that has you swearing next year you’ll “know before you go.” A gift that will inspire your loved one to say with sincerity those two little words, “Gift receipt?” No doubt about it; someone is getting a Talking Trout this year, proving once again that it truly is better to give than to receive.
Read More
Dear friends,
I hope 2016 has been good to you. It began in a courtroom for me, which I think you’d agree, is no way to start a new year, especially if you’re the defendant.
Read More