Feeling a little let down after a busy holiday season? Cheer up. You still have Lumpy Rug Day to look forward to. And Count Your Buttons Day. And Elvis Week. I didn’t make those up, but I can see why you might think I did. There’s a holiday almost every day of the year, though holiday might be too strong a word for National Bicarbonate of Soda Day.
If you have the energy and ambition to celebrate all year, go to the internet and type the words “weird holidays” into your search engine. You’ll find hundreds of holidays, and in some cases, the name of the holiday’s creator. This allows you to call them up, as I was tempted to do, and ask them if they don’t have anything better to do on January 14 than celebrate Organize Your Home Day. And can they really do it in one day?
We only got seven days for Diet Resolution Week, January 1-7. And a week is about as long as anyone’s diet resolution lasts, maybe because, January 2 was also National Cream Puff Day and January 5 was National Whipped Cream Day. Oh well. January 17 is Ditch New Year’s Resolutions Day anyway, though I’ve always observed it on January 2.
February is Return Shopping Carts to the Supermarket Month. I’m not sure how many people will be pushing stolen shopping carts across town this month, but if it works I think we should try Return Stolen Cars Month.
On March 14, we celebrate Pi Day, not to be confused with National Pie Day which is January 23. Pi refers to the ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter, or 3.14, hence March 14. It’s called Pi because pies are circular and Greek mathematicians were poor spellers.
And April 7 is No Housework Day. Too bad! I thought it was today—and yesterday. And April 28 is Kiss Your Mate Day—as opposed to kiss someone else’s mate, which doesn’t rate an official holiday.
May 6 is International No Diet Day, which is convenient because May also happens to be, National Barbecue Month, National Loaded Potato Month and National Hamburger Month.
June 18 is both National Splurge Day and International Panic Day, because panic is often what you do when you come to your senses after splurging too much.
July 4-10 is Nude Recreation Week, which represents poor planning on someone’s part since it overlaps with Air Conditioning Appreciation Days. Also, Sun Screen Day was back in May.
On August 7, we pay tribute to mustard which is another case of poor planning since we celebrate hot dogs in July. What? I’ll take a hot dog, but hold the mustard—until August.
On August 8, we observe Sneak Some Zucchini onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night. The next day is my birthday, and for the record, I’d like something besides zucchini.
September 21 is World Gratitude Day, and one thing you can be grateful for is that International Talk like a Pirate Day on September 19 is only one day.
September 28 is Ask a Stupid Question Day. How about this one? Was it wise to schedule International Coffee Day October 1 when October is also Caffeine Addiction Recovery Month?
October 13 is International Skeptics Day. I’m skeptical about Moldy Cheese Day October 9.
We have Chaos Never Dies Day on November 9 and Clean Your Refrigerator Day on November 15. Talk about chaos—and moldy cheese. If you wait to clean your fridge until November 15, you may be shocked at what’s been in it since Egg Salad Week last April.
December 21 is Bah Humbug Day, a day for everyone to vent their frustrations about Christmas preparations as well as any lingering irritation they may be feeling after Barbie and Barney Backlash Day December 16.
(Dorothy Rosby is the author of several humor books, including I Used to Think I Was Not That Bad and Then I Got to Know Me Better. Contact firstname.lastname@example.org.)