I don't mean to brag, but I type really fast—way faster than I text. Faster than I think, too, which can be dangerous.
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The best thing I can say about this year is that there was plenty of time to clean all my closets. I didn’t, but I had time to.
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There are food words that go together—roast and beef, scrambled and eggs. But gelatinous and fish aren’t two of them.
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I’m all for free gifts, but honestly, I’d be happier with five dollar bills. They’re so much more practical.
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A little birdie told me I need to travel more.
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One thing I’ve learned watching whodunits is that if you hear strange noises in another part of your house, you should never go investigate, especially if you’re home alone, it’s a stormy night, the power is out and there’s scary movie music playing. Actors do that all the time, and it never ends well for them.
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Either I'm invisible or that clerk is holding out for the shift change so that someone else will have to wait on me.
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I’m kind of a “that’s close enough,” kind of person, and that doesn’t work if you’re building bridges, doing brain surgeries or rigging parachutes.
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Over the years, I’ve had a lot of things shift, but I’m not sure my paradigm is one of them.
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I’ve never heeded that old advice given to writers: “Write what you know.” If I would have, I’d have run out of column material a long time ago. Why stick to what I know? I've got Google.
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A handsome fella leaps off a speeding train onto the back of a galloping horse at the very moment the train explodes. But that’s not the amazing part. He’s got one leg in a cast, he’s carrying the wounded train engineer and he’s being pursued by masked gunmen. That’s not the amazing part either. What’s truly incredible is that he won’t even win an Academy Award for Best Stunt, and not just because I made the whole thing up.
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This late in the gift giving game,you choose what? A gift that will give your loved one a head start on their next garage sale. A gift that has you swearing next year you’ll “know before you go.” A gift that will inspire your loved one to say with sincerity those two little words, “Gift receipt?” No doubt about it; someone is getting a Talking Trout this year, proving once again that it truly is better to give than to receive.
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Dear friends,
I hope 2016 has been good to you. It began in a courtroom for me, which I think you’d agree, is no way to start a new year, especially if you’re the defendant.
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I’m part of an elite group. Only about seven percent of Americans know how to drive a stick shift, and I happen to be one of them. If you aren’t and you want to be, you’ll have a tough time finding a vehicle to learn on, since only around five percent of vehicles sold in the United States have manual transmissions. I read it on the internet so it must be true.
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