Putting your resolutions on paper will make them seem more doable and make you feel more committed.Also, if you fail, you’ll have your list ready when it comes time to make resolutions next year.
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All I want for Christmas is for Equifax management and the hackers who stole our data from them to go to jail and share a cell.
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One Friday morning when I was in college, a certain nice young man asked me on a date for that evening. I agreed without hesitation. There was just one problem. Another not-as-nice young man had already asked me out—sort of.
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If my printer was a car, I’d have to leave it parked in the garage because I couldn’t afford the gas.
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One thing I’ve learned watching whodunits is that if you hear strange noises in another part of your house, you should never go investigate, especially if you’re home alone, it’s a stormy night, the power is out and there’s scary movie music playing. Actors do that all the time, and it never ends well for them.
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A pair of jeans you’ve worn so long that the hems are frayed and the knees are threadbare is called “worn out.” A brand-new pair of jeans with frayed hems and threadbare knees is called“distressed,” probably because distressed is how you feel spending good money on a pair of jeans you wouldn’t, in good conscience, donate to a charity thrift shop.
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With good intentions and a little divine intervention, maybe they can be stretched to feed 5000, metaphorically speaking. Maybe our impact can spread like dandelion seeds in the spring or flu germs in an elementary school.
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Either I'm invisible or that clerk is holding out for the shift change so that someone else will have to wait on me.
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I’m kind of a “that’s close enough,” kind of person, and that doesn’t work if you’re building bridges, doing brain surgeries or rigging parachutes.
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Over the years, I’ve had a lot of things shift, but I’m not sure my paradigm is one of them.
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I’ve never heeded that old advice given to writers: “Write what you know.” If I would have, I’d have run out of column material a long time ago. Why stick to what I know? I've got Google.
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Older people are wise and mature. I’m neither wise nor mature, so it stands to reason that I can’t be old either.
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Did you hear about that fan who spent more than $190,000 on a pair of old shoes worn by Michael Jordan in the 1984 Summer Olympics? I think it was a cry for help. “Someone help me! I have too much money and I don’t know what to do with it.”
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From my spot at Boston Logan, I count at least a dozen people dozing, despite the hubbub all around. There are three young people lying flat on the floor, unconscious. I can’t sleep that well on a bed in a dark, quiet room. I’m tempted to wake them up and ask them how they do it.
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I screamed into the phone, “Stop calling me!” It was a recording.
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I knew it. I'm being watched.
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When I complained to my friend about the yellow scourge taking over my yard, she told me to be quiet and eat my dandelions. She said dandelions are nutritious, delicious and free. I told her she could have as many as she wanted if she’d just come by and pick them.
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You know that old woman who swallowed a spider to catch the fly, and then a bird to catch the spider, and a cat to catch the bird, and a dog to catch the cat, then a goat, a cow and eventually a horse. And she died of course. Who wouldn’t? Frankly, I’m surprised she lasted as long as she did.
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And at my advanced age, the best thing I can say about wearing braces is, it beats wearing dentures.
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Whose idea was it to dedicate an entire day to practical jokes anyway? There are no other holidays designated specifically for bad behavior—except maybe New Year’s Eve
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