And the Winners Are…

It was the best of lists. It was the worst of lists. Also the most, least, biggest, smallest, flattest and roundest of lists.

’Tis the season when experts on everything roll out their report cards of the past year. There are the usual suspects: Best Books, Worst Books, Best Movies, Worst Movies, Most Popular Baby Names, Most Popular Pet Names. And there are the unusual ones, for example the 20 Most Popular Dog Names That Would Totally Work for Your Kid Too. I didn’t make that up.

Nor did I make up the Most Notable Cryptozoology Deaths, the Scariest Clowns or the Best Mannequin Pranks of the past year. Honest. And what a year it was for mannequin pranks.

There are the lists of best and worst products of the past year. For example, the Top 10 Cordless Pet Hair Vacuums, the Worst Technology and the Best Snow Shovels of the past year. We use our regular vacuum to suck up cat hair so I had no idea there were enough pet hair vacuums to make a list. And I know without looking at the list what the best snow shovel is. It’s the one anyone besides me is willing to use in my driveway.

There are the lists we all wish we could be on: the World’s Highest Paid Athletes/Celebrities/Models and the People Who Mattered in past year. It’s worth noting they’re not the same people.

There are lists of the 500 Richest People in the World and the Top 10 Smartest People in the World. I’m always happy to see there are more rich people than smart people on the list. It gives me hope for my financial future.

There’s a list of the World’s Most Beautiful People, which sounds like a good one to be on until you realize hardly anyone gets to be on it two years in a row. Either beauty truly is fleeting or being one of the world’s most beautiful people really takes a lot out of you.

There are the lists you’re relieved you’re not on: Famous People Who Died, Biggest Celebrity Scandals (with photos) and Biggest Celebrity Breakups. That last one is full of surprises for me every year because I rarely know that the celebrities on the list had broken up. Sometimes I didn’t even know they were ever together. Or who they are.

There’s the list of the 10 Most Embarrassing Moments of past year (with video) which I’m proud to say I haven’t been on—yet. I hope they never expand the list to twenty.

There’s the list of the Dumbest Criminals of the Year. The top honor often goes to someone who was caught after posting photos from the crime scene on Instagram. Maybe “top honor” is a poor choice of words.

While I find these compilations fascinating I do have some issues with them. For one thing, their authors take great pleasure in listing the mistakes of others. There are the Worst Political Mistakes, Biggest Movie Mistakes, Biggest Password Mistakes and the Worst Celebrity Fashion Faux Pas of the past year. But there is no list of the biggest mistakes of list creators. Maybe I’ll put that one together myself next year.

Also I think before someone somewhere creates the list of the Top 100 People of the Year or the Most Annoying TV Commercials there ought to be a vote. I wouldn’t be much help with the Best Performing Stocks of the past year or the Top Ten Architectural Websites but I have some suggestions for the Dumbest People of the Year. Also the Dumbest Lists of the Year.

And why do we start seeing these efforts to sum up past year in early November? I sympathize with list makers wanting to take the holidays off but how can they compile an accurate list representing an entire year before the year is over? A lot can happen on New Year’s Eve.

No, list creators should definitely wait until January if they want to be fair and honest and include any embarrassing moments I have in late December.

 Excerpt from ’Tis the Season to Feel Inadequate, Holidays, Special Occasions and Other Times Our Celebrations Get Out of Hand now available on Amazon in both print and e-book versions.