Run Sandwich Run!

I’ve never been to the Kentucky Derby. I’ve never even watched it on television and I don’t plan to on May 1 either. I know nothing about it except that racegoers wear funny hats and drink mint juleps, there are horses involved and it takes place in Kentucky. But there’s one thing about the whole affair that fascinates me: the names of the racehorses. I call my cat Kitty, so you can see why I might be intrigued.

Besides, I grew up in Buffalo where the famous bucking horse Tipperary is buried. Great horses deserve great names. Now that’s a great name for a horse. Also These are not your everyday horse names like Star or Sugar. In fact, my favorite horse this year is a handsome gray colt named Soup and Sandwich. He’s ranked number 15, but who cares? He has the best name in the lineup, and I’m not just saying that because I’m a little hungry right now.

Turns out the name was suggested by a granddaughter of Campbell Soup’s founder. I suppose Soup and Sandwich could just have easily been Tomato Bisque or Clam Chowder. I’m glad they didn’t go with Chicken Noodle.

I studied the naming of racehorses in case I ever want to call my cat something else, and there are a lot of rules. The name can’t be initials, so no C.O.D. or I.O.U., either of which might be appropriate depending on how you bet on the horse.

It can’t end in a horse-related term. For example, you couldn’t call your racehorse Shetland Pony or Old Gray Mare. You probably wouldn’t anyway.

You can’t use a name that ends with a numerical designation like 2nd or 3rd which is understandable. It would be confusing if Seabiscuit the 4th came in third and Secretariat the 3rd came in fourth.

And you can’t use trade names, so you couldn’t name your horse La-Z-Boy or Golden Barrel Molasses, though I’m not sure why you would want to. But you can name it after a person as long as you have written permission from them—the person, not the horse. No one asks them.

It must be such an honor to have a thoroughbred racehorse named after you. I can relate a little, since I’ve had both a hurricane and a winter storm named after me.

If I were making the rules, I’d make one more. I’d require the horse names to undergo a cheer check very similar to the backdoor test expectant parents should do as they ponder names for their child. To run the backdoor test, the wise parent-to-be opens the backdoor and yells the name they’re considering. That way they can determine how easy it will be to call the child in for supper someday—also how common the name is based on how many children come running.

Long names like Maximillian and Bartholomew might seem dignified when the children are infants. But if they aren’t shortened to Max and Bart, the kids will wind up eating a lot of cold suppers while they’re growing up.

Similarly, a cheer check would test how easy a racehorse’s name is to holler from the stands. And it’s clear no one cheer checked the name of this year’s number one ranked horse, Essential Quality. Try it with me. Go Essential Quality go! You’d only get a couple of good yells in before the race was over.

If they’re not going to pick a name that’s easy to holler, owners should at least pick one that has a handy nickname built in. Hot Rod Charlie, one of this year’s horses, is a perfect example. “Go Charlie Go” is quick and the horse will still know you’re cheering for him.

My favorite, Soup and Sandwich, also works really well with a cheer check. There’s so many ways you can go with it: Run Soup run! Go Sandwich go! Run Lunch Run!

Dorothy Rosby is the author of the humor book, I Didn’t Know You Could Make Birthday Cake from Scratch: Parenting Blunders from Cradle to Empty Nest. Contact drosby@rushmore.com.