Where are Your Manners?

(This essay is from my soon-to-be published book, Alexa’s a Spy and Other Things to Worry About, Humorous Essays on the Hazards of Our Time.) 

I’ve always dreamed of being an etiquette columnist. Readers could write me with their questions and I could answer them in the pages of newspapers across the country. I’d be the next Miss Manners. I’ve always liked telling people what to do.

Unfortunately no one ever asks me etiquette questions. I’m not going to let that stand in the way of my dream and your enlightenment though. I’m going to share my top eight rules of etiquette even though you didn’t ask for them.

1)      Don’t give unsolicited advice.

I can but you shouldn’t.

2)      Don’t overshare.

I’ve been on the receiving end of oversharing many times. Probably on the oversharing end too, but we won’t talk about that now. Two of the most frequently overshared topics these days seem to be food allergies and food preferences. For example, another guest at a potluck I attended recently asked me which dish was mine. I told her I brought my bok choy salad which, by the way, is fabulous. She made a face like she’d just eaten spoiled sushi and said, “Ewww. I don’t like bok choy at all.” I didn’t need to know that.

Many a restaurant employee has been embarrassed by a customer’s description of what gluten or dairy does to her digestive system. The wait staff doesn’t need to know you’re lactose intolerant; just don’t order the cheese soup.

3)      Don’t say everything you think.

Whenever I’m tempted to share something negative, hurtful or gossipy about someone else I ask myself how they’d feel if they walked in at that moment. If the answer is hurt, betrayed or mad enough to give me a good thrashing, I keep it to myself. I’m just that kind of person. Plus, more than once I have gossiped about someone, and they have walked in at that moment.

4)      Always return phone calls.

At least always return my phone calls. When someone doesn’t return my call, I assume I’m not important enough for them—or that they’re dead. Is that something you really want getting out?

5)      Avoid telling medical horror stories to sick people.

You mention an unfortunate condition or pending medical procedure to some people and they launch into a detailed account of their own similar experience. They’ll recall all the details with relish and tell you how dreadfully awful and horribly painful it was, how they nearly died and how there were many times they wished they’d just gone ahead and done it. When I’ve encountered this sort of response, it was all I could do not to say, “Thank you for squashing all my remaining hope. Will you be at the funeral?”

6)      Never say, “I told you so” when someone is to blame for their problems.

Believe me, they’ve already learned their lesson. Plus they might punch you. Then you’ll learn a lesson too. I promise not to say I told you so.

7)      Make introductions whenever you’re with two or more people who don’t know each other.

If, however, you cannot remember one or both of their names, you have two choices. You can pretend they already know each other or you can flee the scene.

8)      Before you ask a deeply personal question, consider the very real possibility that it may be none of your business.

I know; just because it’s none of your concern doesn’t mean you don’t want to know.

It’s not my place as an aspiring etiquette columnist to suggest you make a spit-in-their-eye sarcastic response if you’re on the receiving end of such a question. It may even go against the Etiquette Columnist Code of Ethics to suggest it. But I just can’t help myself. 

I’ve noticed that we are most tempted to ask personal questions of those standing on the brink of life’s major transitions. For example, the moment a couple starts dating, those who know them—and even those who don’t know them—begin asking, “When are you getting married?” My suggested response is, “We are married—just not to each other.”

When the couple does marry, their family and friends begin to ask, “When are you going to have a baby?” One appropriate response is, “There are just so few people we can trust to babysit.”

When the couple eventually does have a baby, acquaintances begin to ask them, “When are you having another one?” I suggest you reply, “When are you leaving?”

That’s all the etiquette tips I have room for now, but I have plenty of others.  Here are a few you can look forward to learning more about in a future rant:

·         Send thank you cards or you may not get a gift next time.

·         Don’t slam doors; you never know who might be napping.

·         Don’t ask a woman when her baby is due unless you’re absolutely certain she’s pregnant.

·         And be kind to everyone you meet; you never know who might win the lottery next.