And the Oscar Goes To…

Photo From Pixabay

Amazing! That handsome fella just jumped off a speeding train onto the back of a galloping horse at the very moment the train exploded, spewing fire and debris far and wide. But that’s not the amazing part. He had one leg in a cast, he was carrying the wounded train engineer on his back and he was being pursued by masked bandits. But that’s not the amazing part either. What’s truly incredible is that he won’t even win an Academy Award for Best Stunt, and not just because I made the whole thing up.

The truth is, there isn’t an Academy Award for Best Stunt, at least as of this writing. I’ve never sat through the entire Academy Awards program and I probably won’t this year either, but I do love movies. And if I were running the show, there would definitely be an award for best stunt. And if the show weren’t already eighteen hours long, I’d add a few other awards too:

1. The Award for Not Busting out Laughing When You Have to Say Dumb Stuff: I admit I say dumb stuff sometimes and I don’t usually laugh when I do it. But I don’t think I could keep a straight face if I had to say, “Go ahead. Make my day,” or “It was beauty killed the beast,” or “I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!” Oh, wait. The Wicked Witch of the West did laugh, didn’t she? Maybe that’s why she didn’t win an Oscar.

2. The Award for Kissing People You Don’t Even Like: I don’t follow Hollywood gossip, but as much kissing as goes on in the movies, I have to believe that occasionally actors are called on to lock lips with someone they’d rather kick in the shins. And they have to do it enthusiastically on camera with a set full of onlookers, knowing the whole world will see it and their significant other is likely to ask them about it later.

3. The Award for Most Convincing Death Scene: Next to kissing people they don’t like, I think death must be the hardest scene for actors to pull off believably since one can assume most of them haven’t had actual experience. And those who have aren’t talking about it.

4. The Award for Most Humiliating Grovel: Actors frequently grovel, especially in romantic comedies. Often close to the end of the movie the handsome leading man—and it usually is the leading man—makes a dramatic entrance, takes the blame for everything that’s gone wrong in the relationship, begs forgiveness and pledges his undying love, sometimes in front of a group of the leading lady’s friends. I’ve never heard of a man doing this in real life, though I’ve often wished they would. It’s a talent and it should be rewarded.

5. The Award for Most Believable Water Works: Actors are often required to snivel, blubber and bawl convincingly. I’m one of those people who tears up watching greeting card commercials. But I’m afraid the only way I could sob on set is if the director yelled at me. I know I could be convincing in that role, but I’d probably also forget my lines.

6. The Award for Having the Good Sense to Wear Comfortable Shoes: In the movies you regularly see women wearing high heels while they play everything from spies to cat burglars to police officers. I caught a few minutes of a crime show the other night. There was a beautiful villain, stylishly dressed and holding a gun to some guy’s ribs. Unfortunately, because of her high heels, she couldn’t walk heel to toe like less stylish villains do. Instead, she took quick, bouncy little steps like a needle on a sewing machine as she escorted him from the room. In real life he could have just tipped her over and escaped because he’d had the foresight to wear comfortable shoes. In my opinion it isn’t just silly, it’s downright dangerous for active women to wear dumb girl shoes in action movies. But then maybe they use stunt doubles, in which case there really ought to be an award for that.

Dorothy Rosby is the author of Alexa’s a Spy and Other Things to Be Ticked off About, Humorous Essays on the Hassles of Our Time and other books. Contact her at www.dorothyrosby.com/contact.