As You Embark on Your Life of Crime

I think I could be a pretty good criminal because I watch a lot of mystery shows on television. Not the scary ones though. I prefer the old series like Castle, Monk and Columbo because they don’t keep me awake at night. A criminal needs her rest.

So does a criminal consultant which is what I’d rather be, a mentor generously sharing my knowledge with young criminals just starting out. They’d handle jail time better than I would.

If you’re dreaming of a life of crime, here’s my advice. First, never be friends with anyone who’s also friends with Jessica Fletcher from Murder, She Wrote. Don’t even get acquainted with them. Don’t even get acquainted with their second cousin twice removed. JB Fletcher knows practically everyone so this will severely limit your social life, but there are always sacrifices on the way to success.

When it comes to day-to-day operations, never speed away after committing a crime and always pay cash for crime-related purchases. Matlock has a way of coming up with credit card receipts and speeding tickets at the most inconvenient times. You’ll be so embarrassed — also charged with murder.

Whatever you do, never let a detective or mystery author use your bathroom. They’ll go in, turn on the faucet and let the water run while they search for evidence. All the while, you’ll be in the living room thinking they’re just very thorough hand washers.

And never confess your crime to someone, even if you intend to do them in before the end of the show. If they tell you it’s their dying wish to know how you pulled it off, they’re obviously buying themselves time to be rescued. And they will be rescued, and they’ll have your taped confession too.

The wisest thing you can do as a villain though is to frame someone else for your crime. This is amazingly easy to do because non-criminals are so gullible. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched some simpleton open her door to a menacing-looking fellow wearing an exterminator’s uniform when she hadn’t even called an exterminator. And they never expect someone wearing dark gloves on a warm day to be dangerous, no matter how loud I yell at the television.

The poor chumps are always taking food or drink from someone they know is out to get them, which explains the high rate of poisonings on TV mystery series. And they’ll go outdoors to investigate noises, even on a dark and stormy night when there’s been a series of break-ins in the neighborhood and the scary theme music is playing.

It’s this innocence that makes them so easy to frame. But you’ll still want to do your homework. Let’s say you want to snuff out your nemesis. First find someone who has a good reason to be angry at him. Let’s call her Patsy.

If she threatened your target in front of a room full of witnesses, it’s your lucky day — and the beginning of her hour-long nightmare.

Now just wipe your prints off the weapon and leave it in plain sight next to your victim. It won’t be hard to lure Patsy to the scene of the crime. People like her always answer their phone, even when they don’t recognize the number. That’s helpful because messages like “meet me at the abandoned warehouse in one hour or else — and come alone” lose something on Facebook messenger.

I’m not sure why, but they also have an overwhelming urge to pick up weapons. Then the police will come along at just the right moment, thanks to your well-timed, anonymous 911 call. And ta-da! Your home free — unless you were reckless enough to commit your crime when JB Fletcher was in town. Then I don’t know what to tell you.

Dorothy Rosby is the author of three books of humorous essays including Alexa’s a Spy and Other Things to Be Ticked off About, Humorous Essays on the Hassles of Our Time. Contact drosby@vastbb.net.