A Chocolate a Day Keeps the Doctor Away

I’m going to use a five-gallon tub for my Easter basket this year, and it won’t be filled with hardboiled eggs and Easter grass either. I’m going to pack it the brim with chocolate eggs, bunnies and bars because I just read yet another article touting the health benefits of chocolate. That’s why I eat it; because it’s good for me.

The article summarized a review published in the European Journal of Preventive Cardiology which found that eating chocolate more than once per week was linked with a reduced risk of coronary artery disease. Healthy heart, big butt. I think it’s worth it.

But wait! Maybe we can have our chocolate cake and eat it too. Another article I read said chocolate is actually associated with lower body mass index or BMI. I’m not making that up though it does sound like the kind of thing I would make up.

Researchers at the University of California surveyed more than a thousand people about their weekly food intake. Those who reported less frequent chocolate consumption were heavier than those who reported eating chocolate more often. Now there’s news you can use. And I do.

I’ve also heard that indulging in chocolate daily makes you better looking, more creative and just plain smarter. Okay, I did make that up. But it isn’t hard to find articles about the benefits of chocolate. People are hungry for this kind of health information. We just eat it up. I know I do. In fact, sometimes I go overboard. When I read that eating oily fish is good for your heart, I went right out and bought a crate of kipper snacks. No, I didn’t do that. But I do follow good health advice when I hear it—if I like it.

You might wonder what my body mass index is after heeding so much good advice. Well, BMI is determined by dividing your weight in pounds by your height in inches squared and multiplying by a conversion factor of 703. In other words, it’s none of your business.

Let’s just say it would be a lot higher if I weren’t a bit of a skeptic. When I stumble across a story about how good chocolate is for me, my first question is always who paid for the study? Ghirardelli? Hershey’s? Mars, Incorporated? And did that affect the results? I’m cynical by nature, plus I want to write and thank them.

I’m also curious how the data was collected. I’m dubious of studies that rely on participants to report accurately and honestly on their consumption habits. I know I’d be tempted to…uh…fudge my numbers a little.

Also, I want to know exactly how much chocolate it takes to stop hair loss, make you more charming or whatever other benefit researchers are claiming at the moment. They aren’t always clear on this, and I think it’s important that we have some guidance. Chocolate Easter eggs are harder to limit than other health foods. You never hear of anyone overdoing it on kale. No one eats so many skinless chicken breasts that they can no longer waddle. I’m fond of arugula, but I don’t polish off the whole bag every time I have one in the house. And, while chocolate might be good for me, it might not be good for me in the quantity I like. Even arugula wouldn’t be healthful in that quantity.

Some studies linking chocolate consumption to good health say all you need to benefit is a square a day. But a square what? A square foot?

Others say as little as four grams a day is all it takes. The only grams I’m familiar with are graham crackers, and I don’t think that’s the same thing. So, I went to that great treasure trove of diet advice in the sky, the internet, where I learned that one gram is roughly equal to four small paperclips. That wasn’t helpful. Nobody eats those.

So, in the interest of science, I went out and bought myself a Hershey bar. I was shocked to see on the label that my itsy-bitsy candy bar weighed forty-three grams or the equivalent of 172 paperclips. If I were to eat just four grams a day, it would take me eleven days to eat my little candy bar and on the last day, I’d be forced to eat a Hershey kiss too—or four paperclips.

It seems to me anyone who can eat just four grams of chocolate and leave the rest for another day is not a chocolate lover at all and should relinquish all their Easter candy to me.

Another question I have when I’m reading articles about the health advantages of chocolate is does it really have to be dark chocolate as a lot of research claims. I do like dark chocolate; I just like it better with milk in it. And sugar—and nuts, toffee or malted milk. Let’s say you give me a variety bag of those fun size candy bars this Easter, which would be a nice gesture on your part. Of course, you’d save me time if you gave me a couple of full-sized candy bars, since I’m just going to unwrap ten or fifteen of the miniatures and eat them all at once anyway. An ounce of chocolate isn’t fun; a pound is fun.

At any rate, if you do give me a variety bag of fun size chocolate, here’s what will happen: First I’ll eat all the milk chocolate with nuts. Then I’ll eat all the milk chocolate with toffee or crisped rice or whatever else. Then I’ll eat the plain milk chocolate. And finally, after every bit of milk chocolate is gone, I’ll eat the dark chocolate—after smearing it with peanut butter.

Which leads me to the final question I have for chocolate researchers. Are the benefits of chocolate enhanced or diminished by all the goodies that go into it? Chocolate is rarely a solo act. It pairs well with malted milk, marshmallows, cookie wafers, and any number of other foods that aren’t normally considered healthful. I even tried chocolate-covered bacon once. As it turns out, covering bacon with chocolate amounts to taking two things I like a great deal and turning them into one thing I don’t like at all.

And I can’t help but think that eating chocolate on bacon—or nougat, or a donut, or a large sundae with caramel, whipped cream, and sprinkles—might wipe out some of the health benefits. But I bet you still get to be smarter, better looking and more creative.

Dorothy Rosby is the author of three books of humorous essays including Alexa’s a Spy and Other Things to Be Ticked off About, Humorous Essays on the Hassles of Our Time. Contact drosby@rushmore.com.