What I've Learned on My Quarantine Vacation

Like a lot of other smart people, I’ve been using my sheltering-in-place time to learn new things. And I’m proud to say I’ve learned a lot about crime solving from detective shows and spy movies. For example, if you’re a detective interrogating a suspect in what looks like an open-and-shut case, but there are still twenty minutes left in the episode, you have the wrong guy.

And if a character is extra nice and helpful in the beginning of the show, there’s a good chance he’s the killer, and he won’t be as nice once he’s been found out.

I learned that if you’re getting beaten up, take the time to look around. There’s always something nearby to use as a weapon against your assailant if only you have the presence of mind to grab it while you’re in that headlock.

And I’ve learned that if you’re ever cornered by the bad guy, and he’s about to do you in, get him talking. Convince him it’s your dying wish to know the truth and he’s got nothing to lose if he confesses all before he finishes you off. Criminals always fall for that. It buys you time to be rescued—you will be rescued—and you’ll have all the information you need for a conviction.

There’s one thing I’m still hoping to learn from movie spies and TV detectives, and that’s how to follow complex instructions like they do. “Lift the cover off the manhole in the alley between the abandoned warehouses. There’s a key taped to the bottom that opens a lock box hidden behind a stack of National Geographics in a bedroom on the second floor, west side of the blue house on the corner of Fifth and Elm.” James Bond and Jason Bourne never answer the way I would: “Would you repeat that?” Or “I don’t think I can lift a manhole cover.”

That alone will probably keep me from becoming a spy or a detective myself, but I’ve also learned a few tips for staying safe as a civilian. For starters, never befriend a private detective or a mystery writer. Murder follows them wherever they go. Whether they’re at a family wedding or on vacation at a fancy resort, someone is going to die in a mysterious fashion. You don’t want it to be you.

Never eat or drink anything offered to you by your nemesis. If you do, you’re likely to wake up wearing shackles later that day in a secret location. There will probably be a lot of sweaty, bad guys sitting around smoking, taunting you and eating boloney they slice off with knives that are way bigger than necessary for the job. They won’t offer you any either. Don’t worry; you’ll be rescued, but at great inconvenience to your hero.

Remember to lock your doors. Characters in the movies forget that all the time. To be fair, I know a few people in real life who don’t lock their doors either, but I guarantee they would if there’d been a recent string of unsolved murders in the neighborhood.

And whatever you do, if you hear strange noises outside, do NOT investigate, especially if it’s a dark and stormy night, the power is out and there’s scary movie music playing. Actors do that all the time, and it never ends well for them.

Finally, never pick up a murder weapon like the characters in the movies do. The police will walk in at that exact moment and it won’t look good for you. Plus your prints are now on the weapon. That’s exactly what the killer, who had the good sense to wear gloves, was counting on. You’ll be blamed for the crime, and it will take an hour of angst and drama to get out of the mess you’ve gotten yourself into.