Hey, Greeting Card Company

Dear Greeting Card Person,

I’m about to have a birthday. I won’t say which one but I’ll give you a hint: It isn’t my tenth. And I’m writing to suggest some changes to your birthday card line. I hope you can implement them before my big day on August 9. Before I get into that though, let me share a little background.

I remember my fortieth birthday as clearly as if it were yesterday. It wasn’t, and not by a long shot, but I still remember waking up feeling like I was twenty-one and ending the day feeling like I was seventy-seven.

I knew it would be that way. That’s why I liked thirty-nine so much. It was the oldest I could be and still not be forty. I might’ve been thirty-nine years and 374 and a half days old but I was still not forty. Still, thirty-nine wasn’t perfect either, mainly because no one ever believed me when I said that’s what I was. Then I turned forty and learned what real abuse is.

It actually started the night before my birthday when I told my then four-year-old son I would be forty years old the next day. He asked innocently, “Are you going to be as old as Grandma?” Grandma was eighty-four at the time.

The next day a now former friend asked which birthday I was celebrating. When I told her she said, “I thought you were getting up there.”

Up there? Forty isn’t old. It used to be. But it isn’t anymore, though it was without a doubt the oldest I’d been up to that point. It’s also true that I thought it would take a lot longer to get there.

Then there were the cards. That’s where you come in, Greeting Card Person. When I was young my birthday cards came with money and good wishes. Later they contained only wishes and not all of them good.

But starting on my fortieth birthday things really went downhill, and not just my cards. But let’s stick with those. Ever since I turned forty my birthday cards have mainly contained insults and ridicule. You know, like “So many candles, so little breath.” “You’re not getting older. You’re getting fatter.” Very funny.

Even the well-wishes are thinly disguised insults. “Here’s wishing you success in all you do. But you better get started. You’re running out of time.” Those kinds of wishes would make a fifth grader feel old.

This, Greeting Card Person, is why people don’t discuss their age. Best to keep it to ourselves. Otherwise, if we don’t feel old before our birthday, we will after it’s over.

As I face another birthday I’m appealing to your decency. Mature people deserve respect. So do I. And I know you can do better. Anyone can come up with insults—even me. And I’m not a professional greeting card person—or elected official or late-night talk show host. How about these:

Don’t let anyone tell you you’re old. Older people are wise and mature. And you’re neither of those.

Welcome to middle age, that magical time in life when you see better in bright light but look better in dim.

Middle age is a great time to get tattoos; you have more room for them.

Don’t let the fact that you were born in another century make you feel old. By the way, which century was that?

See? Easy. Also a lot more fun than it should be. But anyone can do that. You’re experts. Why not put your skills to work creating cards that are respectful without being gooey? May I suggest something along these lines?

You deserve to be treated like a queen on your birthday. You relax while I clean your house and make dinner for you.

Happy birthday to one of the wisest people I know. You were right all along.

I’m so sorry for all the insulting birthday cards I’ve sent you over the years. They were the only ones on the rack.

The first two might be a stretch but the last one is almost true. So dear Greeting Card Person, I suggest you create a new line of birthday cards that honor the wisdom and knowledge those celebrating birthdays have gained. And if we haven’t gained any, I don’t think our special day is the best time to say so.