Job Hunting with Sweet Cheeks

Photo by Pixabay.

Back when I started in the job market embarrassing information about job seekers had a way of getting around town. Today it has a way of getting around the globe which, as you know, is somewhat bigger. Parents of job seekers can’t help but worry—especially if they’ve seen their child’s Instagram page.

If you’re a parent who’s finding it hard to discuss your concerns, print this off and insert it into your child’s college graduation card. (Hint: your child will be more likely to read it if you don’t put any cash in the card.)

Congratulations! We’re so proud of you. We wish you an exciting future and a fulfilling career that pays so well that you never have to move back in with us. (Don’t take that wrong. You wouldn’t like it any more than we would.)

We know how much you hate unsolicited advice. But since you never solicit any you leave us no choice.

We realize your generation is smarter about technology than those most likely to be doing the hiring. But after years of having children set up their iPhones, managers aren’t the least bit embarrassed to ask their fifth-grade neighbors to help them locate information about job applicants on the internet. And while stories about underage drinking and letting pigs loose during graduation might make you popular with your friends, your friends probably aren’t in a position to hire you right now.

Also please avoid mentioning how much you despised your last employer on your blog unless you’re independently wealthy and will never need to work again—which would be news to us.

Online applications weren’t around when we were starting out, mainly because computers hadn’t been invented yet. But there are some rules that still apply. Never answer the question, “reason for leaving your last job,” with “I hated getting up early.”

As far as accomplishments go, the fact that you can juggle, drink milk through your nose and text faster than your mother can type may not be relevant. And as deserving as you were of the honor years ago, neither is being voted Cutest Baby in South Dakota in 1999.

There are some issues that those of us who applied for jobs on paper (or stone) did not have to consider. For example, before you start filling out applications consider updating your email address. You may not convey the professional image employers are looking for with a handle like “couchsurfer” or “sweetcheeks@something.com.”

As you know, some modern parents have been accused of being over-involved in their children’s lives. That certainly does not describe us. Still, no matter how much we beg, do not let us go to a job interview with you.

And we don’t mean to nag but please dress appropriately for interviews. Different workplaces have different standards, but in general you should avoid flip-flops, sweatpants and underwear that shows. Likewise your midriff should never show during a job interview, in part because a middle-aged interviewer will be jealous that yours is still worth showing.

Remember to turn off your cell phone. A job interview is no time to take a call and texting would be very distracting to both you and the interviewer.

Now go get ’em! Your whole wonderful life lies ahead. Don’t forget us when you get to the top! And don’t forget your college loans either.

Dorothy Rosby is an author and humor columnist whose work regularly appears in publications in the West and Midwest. Subscribe to her blog elsewhere on this page.