Falling Asleep is as Easy as Pie, Penguin, Paraguay

Counting sheep doesn’t work for me. I close my eyes and imagine a sheep jumping over the fence. Then I picture another one and another one until around sheep number 106, I start getting bored and my sheep become increasingly uncooperative. Some refuse to jump and others run off to find better grazing. This keeps me entertained but does nothing for my sleep—or my sheep.

I’m not much more successful with those visualization exercises where you picture yourself relaxing by a waterfall or the ocean. The sound of water, real or imagined, always makes me think my pipes are broken or my toilet is overflowing. Who could sleep through that?

But I recently found a trick that does help me fall asleep. The Cognitive Shuffle was designed by cognitive science professor Dr. Luc Beaudoin, to facilitate sleep by scrambling our thoughts and keeping our mind off the issues that keep us awake. Dr. Beaudoin has created an app called mySleepButton which I haven’t downloaded yet, but I have tried his do-it-yourself version. Not only is it the most effective trick I’ve ever tried for falling asleep, it’s also the most successful do-it-yourself project I’ve ever done.

Here’s how it works: Late at night, when you catch yourself thinking about your child’s algebra grade or your pending lawsuit, pick a random word. It should be at least five letters long and it should be easy to spell because asking Siri how to spell “daiquiri” or “troubadour” might wake your spouse. Also, avoid words that might be upsetting in the middle of the night, for example, “audit” or “itchy.”

The next step is to take each letter of that word one at a time and think of all the words you can that start with that letter, imagining the item the word represents as you go. When you can’t think of any more words for the first letter in your starter word, go on to the next letter. This has worked for me many times, but I’m going to demonstrate using an unsuccessful attempt because I don’t want you dozing off. I hate it when readers do that in the middle of my column.

Let’s say I choose the word “cabin.” It’s easy to spell and it’s not upsetting—unless the cabin is haunted or has no indoor plumbing.

I start with the first letter. C is for cat, so I picture my cat. Then cow, and I imagine a cow. Then I picture cash, a cast, a clock. Then I wonder what time it is, which is never helpful.

I picture chocolate, Coke, coffee. Wow! A lot of C words have caffeine in them. No wonder I’m having trouble sleeping.

Moving on to the next letter in cabin. A is for allergy, anger, alarm. Alarm! Did I set my alarm? Yes I did…I think. Anyway, A is for avalanche, alibi, ax, arsonist, assassin. Maybe my cabin really is haunted.

Next letter. B is for baby, ball, bat, bread, bed, bug…bed bugs! Ick, gross, disgusting. What letter am I on?

You get the idea. If you make it to the end of your starter word without falling asleep, pick a new one, maybe “naptime” or “breakfast,” and repeat the process. Keep going until you fall asleep or morning comes.

Excerpt from ’Tis the Season to Feel Inadequate, Holidays, Special Occasions and Other Times Our Celebrations Get Out of Hand by Dorothy Rosby, coming in November 2022.